Suck it, STI's

Excitable Greenlandia politicians today unveiled health plans to completely eradicate sexually transmitted diseases from the tiny nation. Greenlandia already has one of the worlds lowest rates of STI's. Coincidentally Greenlandia also has the worlds lowest rates of sexual activity.

However scientists have recently been championing what they claim is a too-good-to-be-true, over-simplistic procedure which will slash STI rates in the population of Greenlandia. Following research in Uganda which showed circumcision could be associated with a reduction in the transmission of HIV, and an associated clammer around the world encouraging the removal of foreskin rather than instilling sexual responsibility in people, Greenlandia's minister for health said he felt that this doesn't go far enough.


End of the line for killer foreskins of death?


"One of the behaviours most consistently associated with the transmission of sexual diseases is people inserting their penis's into other people. While circumcision does seem to reduce the transmission of some diseases, we fell removal of the penis completely will create a major dent in the rates of STI's in our country".

When asked why the government didn't just promote good sexual health in the population the minister said that they had looked into that option but "it turned out that that involved a lot of complex social issues so we decided to go with this one chop cures all approach".

One of the very first Greenlandia citizens to undergo the groundbreaking treatment was quoted as saying "OH GOD, MY PENIS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, MY PENIS!"

The government is looking to roll out the so called "STI Vaccine" in all newborn infants in the coming year, but it remains to be seen whether this genital mutilation is the wonder treatment long looked for, or is in fact just an archaic religious hangover which has been given a sheen of modern respectability through dodgey science and bizarrely divided social debate.

Greenlandia Herald online: Science and Health round up

Scientists in Greenlandia appear to have been working overtime of late, hot on the heels of the invention of the anti-metro viral wonder drug they have achieved some further astonishing results in a world where credible science tested rigorously in a controlled environment is thankfully a thing of the past.



Could grass be the key to a longer life?: After news reports that, based on a trial done in Monkeys, that a reduced calorie diet could lead to a longer life Greenlandian scientists sought to substantiate these claims. They have now found that a diet based primarily on grass could be a further key to longevity. In a study done on cows the researchers found that some of the cows tended to live longer than others, a fact they logically concluded could only be down to one thing: Diet. They found that although all cows make up their daily caloric intake primarily with grass, the ones that lived, at times, for up to 5 days longer did indeed eat a statistically insignificant but nevertheless significantly different amount of grass in their lifetime. Further research found that these healthier cows also tended to abstain from foxes and dragon fruit. The researchers have now concluded that the key to a long life in humans is a diet rich in grass and low in foxes and dragon fruit. One expert had this to say about the research "you're a bunch of fucking morons". When asked if this could be one of the key breakthroughs this century one leading scientist from the UK said "No". The cow was unavailable for comment.



The key to a long and futile life?


Alcohol could be "cure for Alzheimer's": After recent claims in the BBC, Telegraph, Daily Mail, Sky news, The Metro and many more that coffee could "prevent" or "cure"(depending on which one you read) Alzheimer's based on one piece of research done in mice that were bred to have Alzheimer like symptoms, scientists from Greenlandia have made an astonishing discovery. They found that in a sample of 10 alcoholics (6 of which died before the age of 50 from liver disease, and 4 of which developed Korsakoff's syndrome) not one of them developed dementia of the Alzheimer's type.

This was indeed a surprising result, but nevertheless still stood after all manner of lengthy and inappropriate statistical testing. The brewery sponsored research appears to show that the coffee claims are simply wrong and that instead of drinking 5 cups of warm caffeine each day we should instead be sucking down glass after glass of our favourite chilled lager. The researchers said that this was indeed a significant finding and one that may well shape the Greenlandian policy on alcohol for years to come. As a secondary result they also found that none of the alcoholics in the study had ever developed tennis elbow. This requires further research but is likely to be claimed as a scientific fact by many leading newspapers in the coming days anyway. The Lawn Tennis Association is said to be aware of the research and looking into providing players with between game stubbies and various shots in order to protect players from this irksome injury.



Alcohol: Protect you and your family from Alzheimer's