UN to impose sanctions on Greenlandia

A global uproar broke out today as The Principality of Greenlandia revealed it had been firing up bbq's at it's understate of the art testing facility in the garden province near the village of Georgetown. The questions being raised at the moment are what prompted this latest test, and just how much charcoal does the small nation have? UN inspectors, previously invited to the first test in the country, were forced out by the President after it emerged that they had turned up to the bbq site with a crate of bitter, and proceeded to drink all the lager. A move that was considered a cultural slur and often described in the country as a "party foul". Days later the country tested several smaller range bbq's, a move that prompted the neighbouring UK to join the UN in condemnation. This has led to Greenlandia abandoning the truce that has stood between the two nations for over two weeks since the legalisation of crime debacle. Greenlandia has now announced that any attempt to impose sanctions will be met with delicious reprisals, potentially unleashing it's biggest bbq to date. In recent times the Principality has been amassing what can only be described as a fierce army of alcoholic ducks, with support coming from the stealth reconnaissance of the invisible chameleon regiment.

Little is known about this secretive nation and it's enigmatic president. He is said to be obsessed with his height, even growing his hair to preposterous lengths to emphasize this fact, often appearing in his trade mark sunglasses. He is also said to be obsessed with Hollywood films and once reportedly kidnapped a lesser known director, forcing her to make a film starring him and his ministers. The BBC recently had this to say about him "analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman"

Political commentators are unsure whether these recent tests are a genuine threat to the world as we know it or the desperate throes of a leader turned senile.


Satellite image of the Garden province of Greenlandia

Greenlandia Government Braced for Chaos

The President of Greenlandia this morning declared a state of emergency in the tiny country at a hastily arranged press conference. The President was quoted as saying "We today received extremely worrying reports that we should expect a war in Greenlandia at any moment. A war, or some other kind of horrendous atrocity, something along the lines of genocide or a plague of rapes".


Artists depiction of what may be in store for Greenlandia's heathen population

The President's official spokesman said the unprecedented move had been triggered by the announcement of both the outgoing and newly installed Archbishop's of Westminster that atheism was the "greatest of evils" and was the root cause of war and destruction.

"We here in Greenlandia are a simple people" the spokemans was qouted as saying. "We always believed the greatest of evils would be something like murder, or maybe people in a position of power sexually abusing the helpless children put in their trust. However the archbishops have clearly shown us that it is our rational, open-minded and scientifc approach to the world which is the biggest threat to our country".


Psychopathic kitten huffing murderer?

The recent census of Greenlandia showed that an impressive 100% of the population were rational atheists. Clearly such a race of evil degenerates cannot maintain the peaceful existence they have had to date.

The spokesman continued "I want to ensure the free-thinking, intelligent citizens of Greenlandia that we are fully prepared for the coming chaos. Thankfully we have these religious people to warn us of our evil nature. There has never been any violence perpetrated in the name of religion so they should know. Well, with the exception of the Crusades obviously. And 9/11. And the Thirty Year War. And the bombings those fundamentalist christians did on the abortion clinics. And those priests that have been fucking little children, which the church actively attempted to cover up rather than rectify.... I'm sorry, I appear to have lost my train of thought..."

Greenlandia In Focus - The Invisible Chameleon

Of all the flaura and fauna of the Nation of Greenlandia, one of the most mysterious and misunderstood is the infamous, but rarely seen, Invisible Chameleon (Chamaeleo imperceptiblus).


A normal chameleon



An invisible chameleon

Native to Greenlandia, the invisible chameleon has quickly spread to inhabit all corners of the world, with the exception of Belgium. This striking reptile has grown to be closely associated with the fledgling nation. This was formalised in early 2009 when the Invisible Chameleon was declared the national mascot of Greenlandia, and a stylised version of a male invisible chameleon in full courtship colours was added to the national flag.


Male invisible chameleon in striking courtship plumage

Invisible chameleons are one of Greenlandia's chief natural exports, creating the majority of the nations wealth. The reptiles require almost no farming, as they thrive all over the small country. Local peasants simply gather the chameleons on the third Tuesday of every month (so called "Tuber Tuesday", as the chameleons are driven into large tubes by the striking together of two potatoes. There is much celebrating amongst the locals, and in fact Tuber Tuesday has become quite the tourist attraction, on a par with the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona).

These tubes are then sent to the Greenlandia Invisible Chameleon sorting factory, where the young chameleons are removed and released back into their natural habitat, to await another Tuber Tuesday no doubt. Only the biggest and most colourful chameleons are deemed suitable to export to the burgeoning pet trade. Each chameleon is sat upon a branch of the Corona Tree, also native of Greenlandia, and sent on it's way with the faithful promise that if you see it you'll get your money back.


An invisible chameleon ready to be shipped out to eager pet owner

The invisible chameleon is very similar to its more visible relatives, and can be found lurking in trees, bushes, on couches and stuck to walls, waiting for it's next meal. The are omnivores, and as such can eat just about anything, put seem to particularly like eating pizza's between the hours of 2am and 5am when everyone else is in bed.


An invisible chameleon wrestles wildly with a small bird

Little is known of the chameleons reproductive behaviour. However it is believed that the young thrive on unwashed piles of clothing. Within hours of being laid the babies are thought to hatch and quickly disperse into the surrounding countryside.


A baby invisible chameleon. Note the undeveloped nose-horn.

This is a truly remarkable animal, and more research needs to be done to truly understand it's place in the Greenlandia ecosystem. The recent report of the dramatic increase in the number of Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide is worrying news for this gentle reptile, and only time will tell the impact it will have on this symbol of glorious Greenlandia.

Duck Hooligans Run Rampant

Throughout its short existence, the nation of Greenlandia has allowed free circulation of flora and fauna from the UK and abroad. Greenlandia's ministry of Science Technology and Development has warned this afternoon of the appearance of a new sub-species of duck: Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide. Experts suggest this new bird has not generated any physical modifications as their new habitat is similar in climate and geographic features; there has been instead behavioural and dietary changes which become more accute in specimen who have settled permanently in the principality. After several months of observation and clinical analysis the status of new species has been granted.

This new breed of duck has a particularly short temper, several children have been horribly disfigured from Greenland Duck attacks while trying to feed them. Research shows these animals have been observing and imitating the daily behaviors of Greenlandian citizens (Binge drinking, Hypercaloric diets, Drug addiction, sexual deviance, aggression, self flagelation, homosexuality, egomania) and have adopted them as their own. Chief Greenlandia scientist Nikita Kruschev spoke on the matter in a press conference early this morning.

"The discovery of this new sub species is a first in Greenlandia history, not only do we have a new and proud and sovereign nation, we now have native fauna."

Although citizens of the small nation have stated their overwhelming joy at this new discovery those who have suffered the vicious attacks from flocks of Greenland Duck compare them to hooligans and are requesting the inmediate extermination of existing populations.

"These ducks were clearly intoxicated, they were singing xenophobic chants and were clearly out for a fight... more than ducks they seemed like hooligans" (Thomas from Bermondsey, duck attack victim)

The President of Greenlandia has spoken in support for the Greenland Duck and in his first public appearance since the infamous "foremangate" incident he was quoted saying: "Not only are we going to make this new species of duck, Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide, the national bird, we will continue to support its growth by leaving even more leftovers and pints arround to make them bigger and meaner."


Anatidae Groenlandis Alcohide

Thomas from Bermondsey (...sucks for you maite)


M.

Expense Row Resolved

The glorious Nation of Greenlandia announced at a hastily arranged press conference this afternoon that the recent expenses scandal, which rocked the small country to the highest levels of political office, has now been decisively and completely dealt with.

In a brief statement the Minister for Foreign Affairs and official spokesman for the President's Office said "After an intensive "independent" internal investigation, involving the review of "literally millions" of official government documents, we have found our scapegoat. Which is a technical term for the person who is to blame. So everything is "resolved" now. It's all "fixed". Stop asking us questions about it".

Asked why he kept using finger quotations and winking wildly the minister refused to comment, although he was heard mumbling something about how stupid everyone in the whole world was.

The finger of blame has apparently being poked at George Foreman, Greenlandia's leading culinary expert. "George Foreman's grill stood by and allowed various ministers to spend money in a completely irresponsible manner. The Minister of the Interior and Security reportedly bought 738 pairs of shoes last month alone. The grill should have intervened earlier to halt such wanton greed, but instead allowed the government to spend taxpayers money on pointless purchases, like vegetables and condoms" read the government press release.

When asked how an inanimate object could be blamed for what was simply a result of people in power deciding they had a right to spend other peoples money for their own ends, Greenlandia's President said he was tired and was going to his room.

The grill was unavailable for comment.



Cooking the books?

Greenlandian scientists discover new cure

Greenlandian scientists today unveiled what could be hailed as a new miracle cure. After years of research the scientists say they have finally taken significant steps in eradicating media hysteria. The new drug targeting bullshit news stories and flagrant sensationalism will allow readers to get information from newspapers whilst being immune to pointless media hype. Many say this new drug could not have come soon enough after the recent swine flu scare had millions of IFTA candidates running scared from the virus that never came. Respected scientists from around the globe have been quick to sound their approval, one illustrious member of the scientific community said "this really is excellent news, after bird flu, SARS, anthrax, African bees and countless other media scare stories the public should have learnt their lesson. It has now become evident that the general public are roughly as quick as Jordan on ketamine, this cure gives them the ability to read the news in a rational state of mind". The anti-metro virals work by inhibiting re-uptake of the newsotransmitter dupe-amine in the areas of the brain targeted by the outlandish news stories.

Major newspapers are said to be rocked by the speed with which the drug has been developed and are planning some really ludicrous stories in the hope that they can mutate the illness and negate the effect of the drug. The major worry now is that the newspapers may realise that simply fabricating figures isn't enough, and that they may have to resort to actually creating the news. One example was seen recently as the media incited the public into violence at the G20 protests in London. Reporters were seen actively encouraging protesters to attack and vandalise a bank while standing by and doing nothing except take pictures and report on the "horror". It is thought that one major newspaper is working with a terrorist splinter cell in order to cross breed infected pigs with birds to create swavian flu, potentially the most deadly flu the world has ever seen. The death toll from such a deadly virus is estimated at 100,000 trillion, although if the government stocks enough anti-metro virals this figure could fall to as little as 4 cases of mild headache.


Sensationalist stories such as this could be a thing of the past

Greenlandia legalises crime

Demonstrations were today being hastily organised all across central Rotherhithe in response to the news that the Principality of Greenlandia have legalised all crime. Residents of the neighboring country of England are worried that this will cause a surge in violent behavior along the border, and are lobbying the Greenlandian government to reverse their decision.

The foreign Minister, interviewed getting on the Jubilee line, said: "as a small nation we've had to enlist 100% of our population into the cabinet, leaving no-one left for internal law enforcement. After lengthy discussions it was decided that if all crime was legal, there would be no need for police, leaving our citizens more time to invest in tricky new bathroom cleaning legislation...Oh fucking hell the line is closed from London Bridge to Stratford, what's the fucking point? I don't see a fucking difference and it's been going on for a year and a half. I'm going to write to Boris Johnson. He's such a fucking clueless dick head. He said he was going to get rid of the bendy buses as well and I haven't seen that happen yet. God I hate people."

If the lobbying of Greenlandia to reverse their decision fails, the UK have put in place sanctions and closed the underpass that links Greenlandia to the 24 hour Tesco - their primary source of imports - and are prepared to use military force if the small principality still will not budge.

Greenlandia rocked by expenses scandal

Further disgrace was brought upon the upper echelons of power in the Principality of Greenlandia today as revelations of excessive expense claims surfaced. As many MP's in both the UK's current Labour government and the Shadow Cabinet are under investigation for claims running into tens of thousands of taxpayers pounds for moat cleaning, garden maintenance and the payment of non-existant mortgages, eyes turned towards the small principality with shocking results.

The President of Greenlandia was found to have submitted a claim of approximately $3000 for toaster waffles and gin that never gives in, prompting calls for his immediate resignation. When questioned about the matter he had this to say: "Put cheese on them, I'm not eating them without cheese. I think I'm going to chunder".

The minister for the interior and homeland security, when asked to pay back monies claimed for a new clothes-menium falcon, 6000 litres of hair wax and 48 frozen pizzas, responded in an overly excitable manner: "She's a real sweetheart. Probably the best sex I've ever had. I'm hungry".

With the reputation of the government of the fledgling nation in tatters, and the alarming prospect of a mass voter exodus, the foreign minister was forced to deliver a statement to the rest of the UK. When quizzed by John Snow on the evening news about the expenses matter he vehemently denied involvement, stating categorically that "I've done the maths, and I'm pretty sure I'm never going to get a woman again". When asked to comment on his fellow governmental colleagues, he continued by stating: "Do be doo be doo be doo be....aaaaaarrrrrrg, my life is such a disaster".

Inquest into the matter continues while reporters desperately attempt to contact the minister for agriculture and firearms, currently residing in Barcelona, Spain.

Clearly the last poster doesnt know what the fuck is going on...

Cybertron 3000 IS NOT in minimum security but has a life sentence in a federal pound you in the ass prison.. Had the poster below read this in the very explicit and eloquently written section entitled cybertron 3000...turns out not the future of rap he/she would have realized that there will not be a new record....

down with cybertron!

down with rap

down with hip hop ... and all that crap.

(is this what is know as spitting rhymes?)

Deuche, from Deuche and the Deuchebags.

Cybertron 3000 to record new album in prison

Cybertron 3000 revlealed today in an exclusive press conference that they have been writing material for a blockbusting comeback album. The album, they stated, will be recorded from within Ivy Lane minimum security detention centre where they are serving their six months of "hard time". Revelations of the exaggerated reports of a life sentence have, however, not damaged their reputation says (e=)mc Square: "I think our fans still see us as the hardcore collective of nerd-rappers that they've always believed we are. Anyone who can solve a rubix cube in under 30 seconds while simultaneously doing a quadratic equation and telling their mum to get the fuck out of their room is always deserving of respect, erm, you feel me requesting enrty?".

Initial reports have revealed that the album will contain tracks such as "I.Q. for the showers", "Achin' like Aitken" and "Straight Outta Math Class". Touted as the most highly awaited comeback since Snoop Dogg recorded "Tha Last Meal" from inside the joint, Greenlandia Records were eager to re-sign the group. A representative from the label had this to say: "It was important for us, as both a label and an independent principality, to distance ourselves from a group that was on the wrong side of public opinion, but now that it turns out that everyone loves them we take it all back. We want a slice of that cash, I tell you that for nothing. Is this thing on?...."

Further information will be available shortly.

Greenlandia offers Miss California career lifeline

The recent Miss USA runner up has been granted a visa for an indefinite period of time to enter the Principality of Greenlandia. Miss California hit the headlines by declaring that she was opposed to gay marriage on national television. The question directed at her was whether or not the remaining states in the US should follow the lead of Vermont and others and legalise same sex marriage. It has since been claimed that this question was unfair and cost her the title of Miss USA. She said that it was the toughest question asked to a contestant and it effectively gave victory to Miss North Carolina, despite the fact that Miss North Carolina got a much more difficult question about the economy and government bail outs. The real issue here is not the fact that she was asked a difficult question, it's the fact that she should be expected to answer a question at all. The question itself was a fair question about a relevant topic, but unfortunately it was asked to someone with the intellectual capacity of the lobotomised offspring of an underachieving, compulsive Heat magazine reading sea cucumber and Paris Hilton. How could she have been expected to give any sort of answer? She has claimed that she was asked for her opinion and gave it, and that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. She has obviously missed the point that if your opinion is bigoted and socially retarded it may not be sensible to mention it in front of millions of people. She also missed the point that the question did not in fact ask her about her opinion on gay marriage but whether she thought other states should legalise it. Whether she agrees with it or not there are certain advantages to be gained by being married such as next of kin and tax issues, and that these civil rights should surely be applicable to people regardless of sexuality. This underlines the main point that she could not have been expected to grasp this due to her absence of cognitive function. Therefore the Principality of Greenlandia has allowed Miss USA to enrol in the successful IFTA (ignorant fucktards annonymous) program. This program has helped a number of deuchebags and aims to prevent the spread of stupidity and ignorance currently rampaging around the globe. If Miss California is successful in the program then who knows, she may be able to enter the Miss Universe competition as Miss Greenlandia.

Some other current members of the IFTA program:


Sean Penn


George W Bush


Sea Cucumber

Cybertron 3000...Turns out wasn´t the future of rap

The three members of the controversial rap group Cybertron 3000 have been arrested earlier today. Eye witnesses say the band members struggled and even confronted police until they were brought down by force. The district attorney held a press conference at 11.00 am stating the following: "Today has been a step forward in creating a cleaner, more humane, more dignified society by bringing down these icons of complacency and underachievement. I am proud to be District Attorney in a jurisdiction which does not condone this sort of propaganda. I believe that these measures will ensure future generations will not be contaminated by these bad seeds."
Manager/Producer Karl Rove has reportedly quit the group stating personal differences as the motive. It is said that Rove, one of George W. Bush's right hand men during the 2000 and 2004 United States presidential campaigns, sees no possibility of reducing the life sentence prosecutors are pushing for. After questionable success and career ending reviews Greenlandia Records has dropped the band and has signed popular rock band Deuche & The Deuchebags who have an established fan base and have been on a world tour with other headliners including Metallica, Radiohead and The Rolling Stones. M




Member 1



Member 2



Member 3



Big Mac...A Karl Rove favorite

Cybertron 3000: The future of Rap?

One of the hottest new acts on the Greenlandia record label is the little known Cybertron 3000. Their music has been described as an acid/funk/nerd-rap fusion, and listening to it you certainly see why. This group of poindexters formed a few years ago in a science class and they have been making music in their lab ever since. Frontman (e=)mc square said "we just wanted to make some music that would mean something to all those people who get good grades, appreciate science, and know the pain of a daily chester baxter"
The new album is ironically titled "Sounds from the inside of a black hole" and includes masterpieces such as "Kid X" "No Woman, No surprise" and the single "Nerdlife"
The album is out next Tuesday on Greenlandia records and will be available for 16 Alpha Senturian dollars.


Cybertron 3000: Nerdlife

I be spittin' trooths like a mathamatical proof.
I understand the engineering behind a flat roof.
on Friday i untuck my shirt but i ain't uncouth
at the party i stay in the corner and try to act aloof
in my spare time i play call of duty 4
the closest i get to action is this simulated war
when i see lara croft i get a strange feeling down in the plums
it's embarrassing though cos i share a house with my mum
The other day I saw a legged dog
I was so excited I wrote it on my blog
i couldn't wait to get home, i needed something quicker
so i updated it immediately, logging straight on to twitter
Sometimes I think xbox is my only friend
on my pixellated homies I've come to depend
I know when shit goes down Tiger Woods has got my back
So when he holes out over par I always cut him some slack
IN my experience women seem to just complain and moan
I much prefer me in my bed with my iphone.
IN school my love of gadgets marked me as a bit of a 'tard
The truth is that computers just make me hard.

I may not be cool, but I’m good scholastically
you better believe I’m an N E R D
NerdLife

i look at nasa's photos of emerging sun spots
the thought of solar flares really gets me hot
they tell me it's boring just looking at stars
but i'll be the one laughing when i'm living on Mars
Sometimes I really feel like I don't fit in
Would much prefer to be a lord of the ring
sins of the flesh just make me flacid
what turns me on is deoxyribonucleic acid
I have all my comic books neatly stored in cases
I'm hoping one day the dentist will remove my braces
they tell me i should be in an institution
just because i get pleasure from the gaussian distribution
but i tell them they've got a hell of a nerve
insulting something so amazing as the bell curve
People are bemused by my social apathy
But all I'm really into is organised philately
If I had my way I spend all day playing with plasma
Unfortunately it really aggravates my asthma
Sometimes I think that the outside is scary
There's bigger boys and bees and I'm allergic to dairy

I may not be cool, but I’m good scholastically
you better believe I’m an N E R D
NerdLife

they say that science is really dreary
what the fuck's boring about super string theory?
my mother keeps telling me I should find myself a wife
i keep reminding her i have one on second life
She keeps telling me I should get into the "normal" scene
But she soon shuts up when she sees me dressed as Wolverine
people tell me i need a reality check
but i think it's cool being into star trek
anyone who rips on me is just a jerk
they don't realise they're messing with James T Kirk
i don't see the appeal of being a jock
when my partner in crime is Dr Spock
everyone listens to the kings of leon
well "kld fdkidn fdiolk aoierue" that's right bitch i speak clingon
i boldly go where no one has gone before
and i can do all that without leaving my living room floor

I may not be cool, but I’m good scholastically
you better believe I’m an N E R D
NerdLife

Yea Nerdtripping fool.

New Greenlandia Flag Causes Riots in South East London

South London idiots have successfully seceded from the United Kingdom at an undisclosed date and time. Prime minister Gordon Brown has announced inmediate retaliatory action by means of military operations, however unbeknownst to no.10 strong support for the small nation has risen from all sectors of the political spectrum thwarting any viability for military action, embargo, or sanction. This afternoon in southwark park (close to the border between the UK and Greenlandia) riots causing inmense public disturbance and damage estimated in 4.3bn pounds have erupted. Police special forces have captured 3 male suspects between the ages of 25 and 27. These individuals who were initially thought to be actual citizens of Greenlandia identified themselves as non-partisan chavs (NPC's)after rigorous questioning. It is understood that ministries of both UK and Greenlandia governments are negotiating usage of London public transport. UN experts suggest that denying this small nation the usage of a vital lifeline that is the Jubilee line would be a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Source: BBC

Proposed Greenlandia Flag




Riots in Southwark Park



M.

Greenlandia: A forward thinking nation

For those that don’t already know, the Principality of Greenlandia is a young, underground nation that has recently succeeded in seceding from the UK. Our triumph in this venture has been facilitated by the fact that we haven’t yet informed the UK that we have taken this step, thus allowing us to avoid any sort of war for independence which our nation would surely lose. We are a land locked country, our territory being the inside of 7 Greenland Quay in South East London. Our population is variable but is rarely above 6 and rarely below 0. The national beverage is gin and the national dish is gin. The national animal is the invisible chameleon (this is also our major export, one can be yours for a modest price).

We have no monarchy and our limited population means that every citizen must take a job in the government cabinet. Our constitution is unique, but we have modeled some aspects of government on successful areas of other countries. We have followed the UK and decided that an elected leader is not the way to go, as such our President attained his status by hanging around a lot and being in the right place at the right time. If such a time comes that our people demand a democratic election we will follow the US political ideology and stage an election for the President to cheat his way into power. We have also taken some other useful advice from the UK and set up an expense system that allows us to claim back for anything we buy as our garden could do with a new BBQ and the kitchen could definitely use an aga.

Statistics show that the nation is predominantly secular, with most of the population thinking that scientific fact is more believable than wild assertions based on a really old work of fiction. The only major religion mentioned in the 2009 census was Pastafarianism, one of the more sensible religions that doesn’t involve the persecution, intolerance, and general make believe set up such as that of most other religions.

We are currently putting together a bid for the 2016 Olympics and feel that we have every chance of being successful. Due to the size of our country some of the more traditional events will have to be scaled down or eliminated altogether. Despite this we feel that our games will be better than many of its predecessors. Unlike the London 2012 olympics we already have the infrastructure to hold the games; we haven’t wildly underestimated our budget costing the tax payer millions; we already have a roof so won’t have issues of lack of funds meaning an open air stadium; our country is small enough to walk around so we won’t have to shut down the whole of the transport network in the east of London for 4 years so as not to embarrass ourselves when the time comes; and our logo doesn’t look like Lisa Simpson performing a lewd act. Unlike the recent Beijing games our country has no previous human rights issues so we are unlikely to run into protests; we aren’t bothered about journalists covering the games; our low smog levels mean that you can see past the end of your nose.

For more information on this up and coming nation please see entries in the 2009 editions of the rough guide or lonely planet.

Foreign Affairs

As a new part of Greenlandia's foreign policy and following the publication of a list of people denied entry in the UK and US I propose, as minister of foreign affairs, to create a similar list and or ranking of undesireables which we will not admit in our small but proud nation: Greenlandia's ranking of 'orrible cunts.
Please contribute to this list at your discretion. The Government of Greenlandia reserves the right to censor any posts with no prior notification. Ministry of Foreign Affairs (2009) M.

1. Gordon Brown


2. David Cameron



3. Britney Spears





4. Lando Calrissian

Dawn of a new hope, or just postponing the inevitable?

So, it seems that we've entered a period of uncontrollable reversal. I'm talking, of course, about Newcastle United's decimation of 'Boro last night. It defied so many of the trends that we're used to from Newcastle that I'm beginning to believe that some form of sorcery is at work. Let's examine this a little more closely.

Firstly, last night was a must win game - a situation within our control that demanded a positive result. To my mind, we haven't taken advantage of a situation in our control to yield a positive result since 3 seasons ago when we wheezed past an apathetic Chelsea (who already had the league in the bag) on the last day of the season to secure seventh place and a back door entry into the old UEFA cup via the Intertoto Cup (which, obviously, we failed to capitalise on and were humped by AZ Alkmaar. And what the fuck is the Intertoto cup anyway?).

Secondly, as today's Newcastle United, we can't do anything but field a team of players who'd all rather be eating melting plastic than putting on their black and white shirts, as all our players think the whole club is a badly organised, lying, bloodsucking corporate vampire, run by a pack of clueless Southern bankers (which it is, but that's not the point). This means simply that we can never muster up any team spirit, especially as our captain Michael Owen would surely rather be buggered by every horse in his gigantic stables than lead that team of retards out onto the pitch to be embarassed in front of 52,000 people. Yet, last night, we pulled together, reversed a defecit (for the first time this season) and actually looked like a proper football team with some passion and desire to win a game.

Thirdly, the goals. Hmmmm. The first came from Stephen Taylor, which is not a huge surprise, even though he's shit. He can, however, sometimes put the onion in the onion bag as long as it's a corner, no-one's marking him and he can use his head. The other two were more of a conundrum. Obafemi Martins scoring with his first touch after coming on as a substitute?? Come on. Surely this is some kind of paradox. Everyone knows that Obafemi Martins has the touch of a Downs Syndrome rapist with Parkinsons disease, yet he controlled a ball with his left, moved it expertly onto his right and buried it in the bottom corner. Then comes a goal from the other substitite, Lovenkrands?? I was a firm believer that we'd all be more likely to see Evan have sex with the entire Brazillian beach volleyball team, or Paul to become the next black James Bond than Lovenkrands to ever score another goal, but he not only scored one, but a decent one. What's happening to my football team? Winning an important game and giving a white hot flame of shining hope to a city in turmoil? It's like David Hasselhoff dropping in from a helicopter onto the Byker wall to sing "Fog On The Tyne" and then shower the crowd with black bullets and ten-packs of Regal Kingsize.

So, everything appears to have been reversed. We're out of the relegation zone with a convincing win, and there's confidence going into the final two games of the season, which is going to make it even more painful when the inevitable happens and we throw it all away.

Haiku

I'm at work.

I am very hungry.

The worker bee sacrifices itself for the hive.

M.

It begins with a cup of tea

The Principality of Greenlandia has decided to join the online community and copy the rest of the world by starting a blog. The main purpose of this is basically to share the generally insane rantings from within our small land locked nation with the neighbouring UK and anyone else who might be interested. Contributions will come from various members of the cabinet, will be uncensored and mostly ill informed, but at least we don't rely on Joanna Lumley to tell us what to say or do. Anyone interested in purchasing an invisble chameleon please contact us directly.