I scream you scream we all scream for a political bumming

The glorious nation of Greenlandia has been caught up in the recent attempts by UK politicians to prove themselves as morally upstanding as a freshly run over cat. Having realised he truly does have the biggest political dick, Barack "I Can't Believe He's Not White" Obama has now demanded Greenlandia provide ice-cream and cake for all American citizens. If said tasty snacks are not provided Obama said he would be unable to guarantee that Greenlandia's citizens wouldn't randomly and without warning be beaten with sticks.

Fucked?

Obama was quoted as saying "I believe in this American nation, yes we can!". When asked exactly what he meant by these unrelated inspirational slogans the president simply flashed a smile, high-fived the cheering journalists masturbating furiously over his latest press release, and moon walked out of the room.

The president of Greenlandia was unavailable for comment on this latest political spanking. However a source close to the government said that while to any normal human being it was blatantly obvious what the right thing to do would have been, after debating the issue for literally minutes the politicians realised they were worthlessly spineless and unanimously agreed to roll over for the US.

Suck it, STI's

Excitable Greenlandia politicians today unveiled health plans to completely eradicate sexually transmitted diseases from the tiny nation. Greenlandia already has one of the worlds lowest rates of STI's. Coincidentally Greenlandia also has the worlds lowest rates of sexual activity.

However scientists have recently been championing what they claim is a too-good-to-be-true, over-simplistic procedure which will slash STI rates in the population of Greenlandia. Following research in Uganda which showed circumcision could be associated with a reduction in the transmission of HIV, and an associated clammer around the world encouraging the removal of foreskin rather than instilling sexual responsibility in people, Greenlandia's minister for health said he felt that this doesn't go far enough.


End of the line for killer foreskins of death?


"One of the behaviours most consistently associated with the transmission of sexual diseases is people inserting their penis's into other people. While circumcision does seem to reduce the transmission of some diseases, we fell removal of the penis completely will create a major dent in the rates of STI's in our country".

When asked why the government didn't just promote good sexual health in the population the minister said that they had looked into that option but "it turned out that that involved a lot of complex social issues so we decided to go with this one chop cures all approach".

One of the very first Greenlandia citizens to undergo the groundbreaking treatment was quoted as saying "OH GOD, MY PENIS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, MY PENIS!"

The government is looking to roll out the so called "STI Vaccine" in all newborn infants in the coming year, but it remains to be seen whether this genital mutilation is the wonder treatment long looked for, or is in fact just an archaic religious hangover which has been given a sheen of modern respectability through dodgey science and bizarrely divided social debate.

Greenlandia Herald online: Science and Health round up

Scientists in Greenlandia appear to have been working overtime of late, hot on the heels of the invention of the anti-metro viral wonder drug they have achieved some further astonishing results in a world where credible science tested rigorously in a controlled environment is thankfully a thing of the past.



Could grass be the key to a longer life?: After news reports that, based on a trial done in Monkeys, that a reduced calorie diet could lead to a longer life Greenlandian scientists sought to substantiate these claims. They have now found that a diet based primarily on grass could be a further key to longevity. In a study done on cows the researchers found that some of the cows tended to live longer than others, a fact they logically concluded could only be down to one thing: Diet. They found that although all cows make up their daily caloric intake primarily with grass, the ones that lived, at times, for up to 5 days longer did indeed eat a statistically insignificant but nevertheless significantly different amount of grass in their lifetime. Further research found that these healthier cows also tended to abstain from foxes and dragon fruit. The researchers have now concluded that the key to a long life in humans is a diet rich in grass and low in foxes and dragon fruit. One expert had this to say about the research "you're a bunch of fucking morons". When asked if this could be one of the key breakthroughs this century one leading scientist from the UK said "No". The cow was unavailable for comment.



The key to a long and futile life?


Alcohol could be "cure for Alzheimer's": After recent claims in the BBC, Telegraph, Daily Mail, Sky news, The Metro and many more that coffee could "prevent" or "cure"(depending on which one you read) Alzheimer's based on one piece of research done in mice that were bred to have Alzheimer like symptoms, scientists from Greenlandia have made an astonishing discovery. They found that in a sample of 10 alcoholics (6 of which died before the age of 50 from liver disease, and 4 of which developed Korsakoff's syndrome) not one of them developed dementia of the Alzheimer's type.

This was indeed a surprising result, but nevertheless still stood after all manner of lengthy and inappropriate statistical testing. The brewery sponsored research appears to show that the coffee claims are simply wrong and that instead of drinking 5 cups of warm caffeine each day we should instead be sucking down glass after glass of our favourite chilled lager. The researchers said that this was indeed a significant finding and one that may well shape the Greenlandian policy on alcohol for years to come. As a secondary result they also found that none of the alcoholics in the study had ever developed tennis elbow. This requires further research but is likely to be claimed as a scientific fact by many leading newspapers in the coming days anyway. The Lawn Tennis Association is said to be aware of the research and looking into providing players with between game stubbies and various shots in order to protect players from this irksome injury.



Alcohol: Protect you and your family from Alzheimer's

UN to impose sanctions on Greenlandia

A global uproar broke out today as The Principality of Greenlandia revealed it had been firing up bbq's at it's understate of the art testing facility in the garden province near the village of Georgetown. The questions being raised at the moment are what prompted this latest test, and just how much charcoal does the small nation have? UN inspectors, previously invited to the first test in the country, were forced out by the President after it emerged that they had turned up to the bbq site with a crate of bitter, and proceeded to drink all the lager. A move that was considered a cultural slur and often described in the country as a "party foul". Days later the country tested several smaller range bbq's, a move that prompted the neighbouring UK to join the UN in condemnation. This has led to Greenlandia abandoning the truce that has stood between the two nations for over two weeks since the legalisation of crime debacle. Greenlandia has now announced that any attempt to impose sanctions will be met with delicious reprisals, potentially unleashing it's biggest bbq to date. In recent times the Principality has been amassing what can only be described as a fierce army of alcoholic ducks, with support coming from the stealth reconnaissance of the invisible chameleon regiment.

Little is known about this secretive nation and it's enigmatic president. He is said to be obsessed with his height, even growing his hair to preposterous lengths to emphasize this fact, often appearing in his trade mark sunglasses. He is also said to be obsessed with Hollywood films and once reportedly kidnapped a lesser known director, forcing her to make a film starring him and his ministers. The BBC recently had this to say about him "analysts are undecided whether his eccentricities mask the cunning mind of a master manipulator or betray an irrational madman"

Political commentators are unsure whether these recent tests are a genuine threat to the world as we know it or the desperate throes of a leader turned senile.


Satellite image of the Garden province of Greenlandia

Greenlandia Government Braced for Chaos

The President of Greenlandia this morning declared a state of emergency in the tiny country at a hastily arranged press conference. The President was quoted as saying "We today received extremely worrying reports that we should expect a war in Greenlandia at any moment. A war, or some other kind of horrendous atrocity, something along the lines of genocide or a plague of rapes".


Artists depiction of what may be in store for Greenlandia's heathen population

The President's official spokesman said the unprecedented move had been triggered by the announcement of both the outgoing and newly installed Archbishop's of Westminster that atheism was the "greatest of evils" and was the root cause of war and destruction.

"We here in Greenlandia are a simple people" the spokemans was qouted as saying. "We always believed the greatest of evils would be something like murder, or maybe people in a position of power sexually abusing the helpless children put in their trust. However the archbishops have clearly shown us that it is our rational, open-minded and scientifc approach to the world which is the biggest threat to our country".


Psychopathic kitten huffing murderer?

The recent census of Greenlandia showed that an impressive 100% of the population were rational atheists. Clearly such a race of evil degenerates cannot maintain the peaceful existence they have had to date.

The spokesman continued "I want to ensure the free-thinking, intelligent citizens of Greenlandia that we are fully prepared for the coming chaos. Thankfully we have these religious people to warn us of our evil nature. There has never been any violence perpetrated in the name of religion so they should know. Well, with the exception of the Crusades obviously. And 9/11. And the Thirty Year War. And the bombings those fundamentalist christians did on the abortion clinics. And those priests that have been fucking little children, which the church actively attempted to cover up rather than rectify.... I'm sorry, I appear to have lost my train of thought..."

Greenlandia In Focus - The Invisible Chameleon

Of all the flaura and fauna of the Nation of Greenlandia, one of the most mysterious and misunderstood is the infamous, but rarely seen, Invisible Chameleon (Chamaeleo imperceptiblus).


A normal chameleon



An invisible chameleon

Native to Greenlandia, the invisible chameleon has quickly spread to inhabit all corners of the world, with the exception of Belgium. This striking reptile has grown to be closely associated with the fledgling nation. This was formalised in early 2009 when the Invisible Chameleon was declared the national mascot of Greenlandia, and a stylised version of a male invisible chameleon in full courtship colours was added to the national flag.


Male invisible chameleon in striking courtship plumage

Invisible chameleons are one of Greenlandia's chief natural exports, creating the majority of the nations wealth. The reptiles require almost no farming, as they thrive all over the small country. Local peasants simply gather the chameleons on the third Tuesday of every month (so called "Tuber Tuesday", as the chameleons are driven into large tubes by the striking together of two potatoes. There is much celebrating amongst the locals, and in fact Tuber Tuesday has become quite the tourist attraction, on a par with the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona).

These tubes are then sent to the Greenlandia Invisible Chameleon sorting factory, where the young chameleons are removed and released back into their natural habitat, to await another Tuber Tuesday no doubt. Only the biggest and most colourful chameleons are deemed suitable to export to the burgeoning pet trade. Each chameleon is sat upon a branch of the Corona Tree, also native of Greenlandia, and sent on it's way with the faithful promise that if you see it you'll get your money back.


An invisible chameleon ready to be shipped out to eager pet owner

The invisible chameleon is very similar to its more visible relatives, and can be found lurking in trees, bushes, on couches and stuck to walls, waiting for it's next meal. The are omnivores, and as such can eat just about anything, put seem to particularly like eating pizza's between the hours of 2am and 5am when everyone else is in bed.


An invisible chameleon wrestles wildly with a small bird

Little is known of the chameleons reproductive behaviour. However it is believed that the young thrive on unwashed piles of clothing. Within hours of being laid the babies are thought to hatch and quickly disperse into the surrounding countryside.


A baby invisible chameleon. Note the undeveloped nose-horn.

This is a truly remarkable animal, and more research needs to be done to truly understand it's place in the Greenlandia ecosystem. The recent report of the dramatic increase in the number of Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide is worrying news for this gentle reptile, and only time will tell the impact it will have on this symbol of glorious Greenlandia.

Duck Hooligans Run Rampant

Throughout its short existence, the nation of Greenlandia has allowed free circulation of flora and fauna from the UK and abroad. Greenlandia's ministry of Science Technology and Development has warned this afternoon of the appearance of a new sub-species of duck: Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide. Experts suggest this new bird has not generated any physical modifications as their new habitat is similar in climate and geographic features; there has been instead behavioural and dietary changes which become more accute in specimen who have settled permanently in the principality. After several months of observation and clinical analysis the status of new species has been granted.

This new breed of duck has a particularly short temper, several children have been horribly disfigured from Greenland Duck attacks while trying to feed them. Research shows these animals have been observing and imitating the daily behaviors of Greenlandian citizens (Binge drinking, Hypercaloric diets, Drug addiction, sexual deviance, aggression, self flagelation, homosexuality, egomania) and have adopted them as their own. Chief Greenlandia scientist Nikita Kruschev spoke on the matter in a press conference early this morning.

"The discovery of this new sub species is a first in Greenlandia history, not only do we have a new and proud and sovereign nation, we now have native fauna."

Although citizens of the small nation have stated their overwhelming joy at this new discovery those who have suffered the vicious attacks from flocks of Greenland Duck compare them to hooligans and are requesting the inmediate extermination of existing populations.

"These ducks were clearly intoxicated, they were singing xenophobic chants and were clearly out for a fight... more than ducks they seemed like hooligans" (Thomas from Bermondsey, duck attack victim)

The President of Greenlandia has spoken in support for the Greenland Duck and in his first public appearance since the infamous "foremangate" incident he was quoted saying: "Not only are we going to make this new species of duck, Anatidae Groenlandis Alcoholide, the national bird, we will continue to support its growth by leaving even more leftovers and pints arround to make them bigger and meaner."


Anatidae Groenlandis Alcohide

Thomas from Bermondsey (...sucks for you maite)


M.